Stumbling Into Darkness
by branbran0206
Summary: It’s been two months since Olivia has been back from undercover and Elliot has yet to welcome her back.
1. Chapter 1: Wanderings

Stumbling into Darkness: By branbran0206

Summary: It's been two months since Olivia has been back from undercover and Elliot has yet to welcome her back.

Her stomach rumbled as she saw him approach walking staring straight ahead, but not really seeing anything. She wondered what he was doing in criminal cases and not in SVU, her new department rarely saw anything to do with sexual based crimes. As he neared her desk she opened her mouth to speak, but instead he looked down and gave her a nod and was gone. Willing herself not to hurt she went back to her paperwork telling herself SHE was the one who had made the decision to leave, and now that she was out she had no right to expect the same relationship that they had once shared. It was strictly business and since they had no real reason to talk anymore why force it right……right?

Her heart felt heavy for the rest of the day and she couldn't concentrate on anything expect that cold nod that he had given her earlier, It was as if a switch had been turned on inside and all the feelings that she had spent the last seven years hiding were now coming to light and it was blinding. Knowing that she headed down to the bar for a drink to calm her now churning mind before her thoughts ate her alive. Walking into the smoky bar where she used to be a regular brought a feeling of comfort and she felt a little peace of mind for just that moment.

"Benson" called Mike the bartender "Where ya been all these ugly mugs and not your pretty face"

"Aww thanks Mike I have been around; can I get a beer with a lime?"

"Anything for a police officer, hey Stabler is around here somewhere"

She went hot and cold at the same time was it too late to turn around and just head home? She had not seen him yet so she could make a break for it, she was just about to tell mike to nix the beer when she spotted him sitting at what use to be their table with an attractive curly red head. She guessed that he was either on a date or that it was his new partner either way she prayed that he didn't see her and she could get out of there unscathed. No such luck just as she was about to turn he looked up and caught her eyes and she was stuck like a deer in the headlights. It was as if all the air had been sucked out of the room and they were the only two people and everyone else was suspended in time. He broke the trance first it and everything came rushing back into focus and she was able to breathe again.

Without a second thought she left and was half way down the block when she heard her name being called.

"Olivia"

She turned to see Elliot jogging towards her, as he got closer she could see his stormy blue eyes and her heart began to do stucco beat.

"Hey El I um just came in for a quick drink."

"What do you want from me Olivia; you keep looking at me like you expect something from me?"

She stumbled and tried to keep her balance as his words assaulted her senses, she was at a loss as the angry words cut deep into her.

"El I….I don't know what to say, I mean I just wanted to see you and talk to you."

She could feel her lip start to quiver and the tears start to build, he really was done with her and she had no way to stop it. She stood silently and watched as he stood pacing with hands on hips looking towards the heavens for an answer.

"You are a real piece of work you know that, YOU left me it got too hard and you just left and now you want me to talk to you as if nothing has happened? You have got your nerve I am just starting to get back to some kind of normalcy and here you come expecting something……….well you know what sweetheart I don't have squat to give!"

Without waiting for her to respond he spun on heels and was gone leaving her cold and alone, she had no recourse and felt empty as she started to head for home.

As soon as the door to her apartment closed she let the tears flow freely and now she was sitting on her bed with her body shaking as great heaving sobs racked her body. She felt totally alone and helpless not since her mother died had she felt this kind of sorrow. Realizing that you have lost something that you hold dear to your heart is devastating and she was dying inside. That night sleep did not come with out sleeping pills and two glasses of wine to wash them down with.

For the next month and half she was a zombie stumbling through the day to day tasks, hours would melt into each other and before she noticed she was back home with no memory of ever leaving in the first place. The craziness of it all was that she knew that she was heading for a bad place but could do nothing to stop it, regret is a hard pill to swallow and she was choking and gagging on it.

Dreams were her only comfort because it was the only time that Elliot would talk to her and everything would be alright. In her dreams he would come to her with those indigo eyes no longer full of hatred and sadness, they would be filled with love and understanding and he would forgive her…..he would forgive her. She knew that everyone around her was holding their breath as they watched her self-destruct that following Monday her captain pulled her aside and told her to go home until she got it together. She wanted to tell him in that case then clear off her desk because she wasn't going to be "together" anytime soon.

Sleep had now turned into constant nightmares that left her bolting up in bed with the back of her neck covered in sweat. In the dream she was always running towards him yelling at him to stop, but by the time she reached him there was always an unidentified corpse under a sheet at her feet and with a shaky hand she pulls the sheet back and she is staring into her own glassy dead eyes. She didn't know what the dream meant but she did know that sleep was no longer an option.

It was a cold morning and sleep had been avoided at all costs, she was dizzy and reeling her body was moving at an android's pace, She put on the first thing she touched and so it was no surprise that she looked like a bag lady in bleach stained sweat pants and a sweat shirt with a rung out neck that was two sizes two big. Stuffing her feet into a pair of shoes at the door and grabbing her dress coat she stepped out into the brisk New York air and headed for a familiar place. She stood there outside waiting for what seemed like hours, just staring and willing up courage to go up the stairs, but she couldn't so she just stood there and stared. It wasn't until she realized that her entire face had gone numb that she had been lost in a daze and floating through time.

"_Cut the crap Olivia"_ she told herself "_just do it…just do it" _She place her foot on the first step and started to climb and she found herself in front of his door now all she had to do was knock and tell him how sorry she was, and how badly she had been suffering, he would understand he always understood. All she had to do it was a simple task and yet impossible, she would come back tomorrow, she could do it tomorrow and then everything could go back to normal and she could sleep again. She turned and headed back down the stairs and into the now dark streets, what she didn't see was a pair of sad blue eyes watch her stumbling into the darkness.

Please review... I love the review!!


	2. Chapter 2: Lost Time

Stumbling Into Darkness: By branbran0206

Chapter 2: Lost Time

_His cobalt eyes were gazing at her in a fixed stare, there was no longer any malice behind them and he was smiling at her the warmth of his smile made her feel as if she were being warmed by the sun. It felt good to be in his presence without all the previous tension it was like it had all been forgotten._

"_Liv I just wanted to say that I know why you left… I understand now."_

"_I am so sorry if I ever hurt you El I just need to get away I needed a break. It was all becoming just too much to handle."_

_He smiles even wider if possible and pulls her into a cozy hug, she finally feels at home as she inhales his special scent and finds total comfort and solitude in his arms. She was forgiven and everything was ok except for that banging somewhere in the distance what the hell was that?_

The dream dissipated as she was brought back with a loud banging, she gathered her crumpled form from off the couch and made her way to the door while trying to unclog her brain. _What day is it, what time is it_ she thought as she unchained the door? The opened door revealed a very worried looking Casey Novak; the redheaded D.A stepped past her and into the apartment. Still unsure of what was going on Olivia slowly closed the door and turned to face her friend.

"Olivia what the hell is going on with you? First I hear that you have taken a leave of absence from criminal cases and the Elliot calls me frantic about you!"

The only words she heard were Elliot and frantic the rest was just background noise, so did that mean he cared, he wasn't mad anymore? Maybe they could talk and she could explain what happened. She still hadn't said anything to Casey as she rushed to her bedroom and began getting dressed her mind racing. Maybe Elliot would like to go for coffee at that place he liked so much and there they could sit and talk and maybe even play catch up it had been months. She was buttoning her blouse and looking for shoes when Casey cleared her throat to let her know that she was still waiting to talk.

"I've got to go and talk to Elliot and explain why I left, I…I wanted to do it yesterday but I didn't have the nerve to even knock on the door."

She laughed and nervously ran her hand through her hair she noticed the startled look on the D.A's face and began to get even more nervous.

"Olivia Elliot called me a week ago…. He told me about you just standing outside of his building, he waited for you to go in and knock…but you never did…..but that was a week ago today."

No she was confused it couldn't have been a week ago because it happened yesterday, she remembered it was yesterday. Her throat was constricting and her chest felt tight the days she couldn't remember the days everything was a jumbled mess in her head she needed to sit down.

"Liv you are just having a rough patch right now, its going to get better I promise."

But she didn't hear the words that were coming out of the redhead's mouth; she didn't hear anything but the blood pounding in her ears.

Please review...I need it to live!!


	3. Chapter 3: The Fear Within

Stumbling Into Darkness

Chapter three: The Fear Within

She couldn't find herself, she was lost and she didn't want to face the reason why, she knew why but she just didn't want to face it… not yet. Casey had stayed with her for a little while longer before heading back to the court house. It was evening, and she was still debating on going to find Elliot, but what would she say once she found him? She tried to think back on how this whole thing had started, it started because she had suppressed seven years worth of feelings, of longing and wanting a man that she knew she could never have. It started because that day when she was stabbed in that bus terminal chasing that lunatic child rapist; and she saw the look of fear on her partners face and the struggle he made between staying with her or going after the perp. It was her fear that had brought her here to this strung out state and that had made her run, and take that undercover case it was her stinking rotten fears that was controlling her now, she was so scared of losing, of regretting and of what might be she could barley breath.

The phone rang jarring her out of her dark thoughts she stared at it willing it to stop and be silent. Just as she was about to pick it up the answering machine clicked on and began to record a message.

"Liv….its me….Elliot look I am unsure on what to say? I spoke to Casey and she said that you are having a hard time and that you really need to talk to me. But the thing of it is I am also having a hell of a time trying to figure out what exactly is going on here I mean you left… Look I don't know anything at this point… J…Just call me whenever you get this…….bye."

"Bye." She whispered to the machine, she stood up from her crouched position of the couch and stretched her limbs screamed in protest, she made her way to the shower and as the warm water was running over her she thought it was time to stop running and to face it head on. She was going to tell Elliot everything why she ran and what was really going on, she wasn't going to let the fear take over anymore, it was time; it was time to face the fear within.

I know that this is not the usual way that Olivia acts...but it my story dangit!! I just wanted to show her really hurting emotionally...Please review and let me know!!!!!!!!!!!!


	4. Chapter 4: The Heart Speaks

Stumbling Into Darkness

Chapter four: The Heart Speaks

He was there in front of her, and this wasn't a dream… she was awake, wide awake and even though she had so much to say she was at a loss for words. After she had gotten out of the shower she went straight to the phone dripping wet because if she didn't do it right then she knew she never would. While she was waiting for him to pick up she swore she thought she saw her heart hammering out of her chest, and when she finally heard his voice she almost dropped the phone.

"_Pull it together Olivia" _she thought to herself "_This is Elliot, this is your freaking _

_partner"_

Once she gained her composure she had told him to come over to her place to talk and though their conversation was short she didn't stop shaking until she hung the phone up. So here they were now just staring at each other in deafening silence both waiting for the other to speak. She gazed at him taking in his presence dressed in comfortable jeans and a gray cotton t-shirt he looked almost relaxed, until you got to his eyes those movie screen eyes were all his emotions had a daily showing. Today the show was frustration and concern for a woman that was falling apart in front of him. She cleared her throat and then spoke.

"Elliot I…I have a lot of explaining to do and I am going t-t- to try my best to tell you what has been going on with me."

She paused as she struggled to get the words up and out of her mouth.

"Just tell me Liv….Just tell me why you left and why you have been acting so out of sorts tell me so that I can help you."

She broke at his words HELP HER, HELP HER oh my god he wanted to help her. She turned her back to him as she painfully bit her lip to keep from shouting out. Her shoulders shook as her silent sobs overcame her pain was unbearable he didn't love her, he wanted to help her as a friend as a former partner she had been stupid to think otherwise.

"Liv come sweetheart talk to me, tell me please."

Elliot had come behind her a placed his hands on her shaking shoulders try to get her to talk to him. She couldn't keep it in any longer it was burning and ripping at her soul she needed to purge herself of this hurt, she whipped around and found herself staring directly in to his sharp sapphire eyes.

"I RAN BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND IT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME! AND I AM SO SO SO SORRY I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW SORRY."

Her throat felt raw as the words left her screaming mouth and once they had been said she felt lighter like she wasn't carrying a 50 pound weight on her chest anymore. Tears dripping from eyes she waited for Elliot to speak.

"You love me?"

"More than you will ever know"

"How long have you felt this way?"

"Too long Elliot, even when" she trailed off because she didn't want to say but she knew that he knew what she was going to say.

"When Kathy and I were still" she nodded.

Elliot let out a huge sigh and she waited for him to reject her, but he didn't.

"I never told anyone this, not even myself, but deep down I always knew that I loved you but I just buried those feelings down so deep so that I wouldn't hurt because I knew that I could never have you."

She felt a rush of relief when he spoke those words.

"Elliot you can have me, you can have all of me!"

"No I can't, not yet I am still just so damn angry about the way you just left without a word… We still have a lot of healing to do and I don't want to rush it."

Elliot reached for her and gathered her into a bone-crushing hug; she inhaled his wonderful scent and let her head rest on his shoulder. She finally felt safe and protected when he broke the hug he just looked at her and she saw that his eyes were peaceful.

"I am going to head back to Brooklyn; I am meeting Maureen for dinner…. I will call you in the morning."

As she closed the door behind him and headed to her bedroom, she knew that this was going to be a peaceful night because she had finally let her heart speak.

**OK I am so very sorry it took me so long to get this up…. Ya know life kinda gets in the way.. Anyhoo please tell me what you think!!!**

**Ps. who else was royally pissed about the whole Kathy being pregnant on the season finale thing!!!! I know it just wasn't me! **


End file.
